I met with my Psychiatrist today and told him I knew I had changed, my thinking at least, because it has been over 2 months since I posted a new entry on my blog. “I’m so freaking happy, I don’t have anything to say. No one wants to read ‘Everything is awesome!'” “Maybe you should write about that” he replied. Maybe I will I thought. But then wouldn’t you know it, suddenly I had something to say. It’s almost as if I manifested my topic from thin air. Almost.
Two months is the longest I have gone without writing since I started “Come Undone” and while true I am one who is more easily inspired by chaos, strife, sadness and struggle, at some point I have to, as in MUST sit down at the keyboard and write. The dam in my mind that holds back my thoughts feelings and creativity is breached and I have to let it all out, lest it crack and break and flood my psyche.
Halloween and the days before and after stir up too many emotions in me not to. Tonight marks 20 years since River Phoenix overdosed outside The Viper Room an event that impacted me on multiple levels. Yes, I had once made the pilgrimage to The Viper Room, into the very stall where he had gotten high just before collapsing. Still, I could not know how deeply until this year when I began to search for “My Own Private River” in Portland, Oregon. More on that later.
Tomorrow marks 23 years that I was first diagnosed HIV+ a day I thought meant the end and tomorrow is 1 year since I met Robert, “My Poet My Captain” (the subject of so many posts here).
that was a new beginning for me, my life, my thinking. I have to say I expected this to be our 1st anniversary, and I suppose in some ways it is, just not how I thought. “So true to life, darling” as they say in “The Way We Were.”
But what really sparked me finally sitting down tonight was the idea of manifesting what one wants into being in one’s life. Countless books have been written about this ancient theory, most famously “The Secret” and I recently traced the roots of that book back to “The Master Key,” a 24 part serial written in the early 1900s. But again, it’s much older that that. Wisdom is as wisdom was.
Example. Today I met with a perspective client about creating and producing a social media campaign for her jewelry business. Over a two and half hour lunch, we talked about her evolution as an artist, how she felt led to create and how her work speaks to her about the form it takes, something I completely relate to. Muses come in different shapes and sizes and speak to us through various ways. I was relating to her my own story of writing and making art for the last 25 years, only because I love to, with no thought nor expectation of ever making any money at it.
How so many artists feel guilty about making a real living from their craft. I was just getting ready to mention a longtime artist friend of mine, John Palmer, who has a program where he mentors artists to properly market themselves and step outside the “starving artist” model. Before I had a chance to tell my client about him, I excused myself to run to the restroom. On my way, I stopped to say hello to one of the waiters, another buddy, who I had sat with a few months back and shared my experience in marketing myself to perspective employers, when who should walk past me towards the restroom? Yep, John Palmer, the man I had just been thinking and speaking about.
After a quick catch up, I returned to my table and mentioned what had just happened. My client said “Oh, do you follow Esther and Jerry Hicks, too?” “No” I replied but mentioned The Master Key and our conversation moved into the topic of manifesting what you want. I said that in my 12-Step Program we learn that it is by giving away the knowledge and serenity we have that we get that very same peace returned. “Love thy neighbor as thy self” I said. “It’s really all the same thing, isn’t it?” she said.
As my day went on I started thinking about manifesting. I am helping a friend on his journey into recovery and I had just said to him “Don’t focus on what recovery can give you, rather what you can give others, how your own experience can help. Then “The Promises” will come about for you through the honesty and work you do.”
I have been wondering if “My Captain” will also thinking about me on the eve of our first meeting. Just as I had never seen him before we met (unusual in this case as I often run into people that I know and that I don’t**) again and again in this “smallest big city” I live in, I have not seen him since our final texts.
I began to wonder if I could manifest seeing him tonight or tomorrow, without reaching out to him? Our breakup had been painful, jarring, reality shifting on so many ways, just as our meeting had. Even though another man stood between My Captain and I (at least in his mind) destiny and fate don’t much care for human plan and schemes. So, as my thoughts wandered back to last Halloween, I started to feel. Melancholy and regret, a touch of sadness, heavy sighs. It’s been a while since I felt the “mean reds” and I decided to forgo a meeting. Silly as I always hear answers to how to deal with my feelings, to be reminded that I gave my life over to my Higher Power and that self-pity and self reliance only causes me trouble. Instead, I took control and went to a neighborhood bar, not to drink, but to find a different sort of drug. Someone to relieve me of my feelings of loneliness, even if only for a few hours. It isn’t something I do much anymore, but hey, I’m still human. Very much so. And I was beginning to reel from the waves of sadness washing over me.
I walked in and looked around, spotted a few possible interests and sat down. I thought about other times I had been here, other conquests that were intended to take away my pain, if only briefly, and walked out onto the patio. As soon as I passed through the curtain, I saw 2 men sitting a few feet away. One of them faced away from me and one looked up and right at me. I froze and turned at the same time, walking back inside. “No way” I thought. Unbelievable, really! The man who looked up at me was not Robert, no, it was the man who had stood in our way. “The Thief” the angry, violent man-child who sowed chaos into his own life and into everyone around him. Especially me. Specifically towards me. “Well, that is a TYPE of manifestation. I was close…” I sighed.
I sat my drink down on the bar and walked out. Man-child had long ago threatened to wipe the sidewalk with me the next time we faced each other and I was not taking any chances tonight. The other man, sitting with him, whose face I did not see, “was it My Captain?” I wondered as I drove away on my scooter. I wouldn’t know.
I felt like God was gently reminding me, not to take such drastic measures just to ignore the way I felt, I could and I should be writing about all of this I realized, that this was the cracking of the dam I worried about. The anniversaries that fall tomorrow are intense, escape is “old behavior” and I needed a reminder. And I got one. I was also reminded of the pain and anger and resentment I had against “The Thief.” And the work I need to do, to let God do, to move on and finally away from all of them. And moving far away was indeed coming soon, but not yet. Manifest. Be careful what you want for.
As I rethought the need for a meeting, I drove up towards my fave coffee shop to grab a joe to go. As I crossed over a nearby street I saw a man on a bicycle heading toward me. It was dark and not until he was passing under a street light did I see his face. Unbelievable, really! There riding past me, was the same smiling, handsome man on the bike I seen at that very crossing at least 5 times in as many months. As always, I smiled, he smiled as we passed each other and as I drove away, I looked back to see him looking back. Just like always**. The thought “Manifest” whipped through my mind, and I whipped around and drove after him.
I caught up to him and said “I’m sorry to bother you but this is about the 5th time I have passed you at that same crossing, at almost the same time, over the last 5 or 6 months.” “Yeah, I know, weird huh?” he replied. Introductions were made and I learned his name and that he was coming home from work at a hospice. In fact I knew where he worked as recently a friend of mine had lived his final weeks out there.” I mentioned his name and he said “Oh, yeah, of course” and touched his heart. And at that moment he touched mine.
I told him that I had just been thinking about manifesting people into ones life and alluded to seeing The Thief. I said “And then I run into you, again? I just couldn’t let you ride away this time.”
What does this all mean? I know many people say “Oh yeah aren’t coincidences like that strange?” It’s fine if that what they believe they are, I used to get angry that they couldn’t see the deeper meaning to the synchronicities in my life. Actually, the meanings were “higher” not deeper, but I digress.
Sometimes these synchronous moments were small, like when I spot the white feathers on the ground in front of me right when I am having a moment of doubt, of fear. From California to Colorado to Portland, the feathers I keep seeing are my “you’re on the right path, don’t give up” signs. “Surrender? Yes, but keep going” God says.
Sometimes big, like pushing through a challenge that in the end changes my life in ways I could never have foreseen. Recently I was ready to throw in the towel on an art donation because I didn’t have the money to buy the canvases, yet “somehow” canvases were donated to me and I not only sold the donated piece but I sold two pieces on my own. The first 2 pieces I ever made a profit on in all these years. And how other people had ordered pieces to buy, too.
Or how running out of a place I really should not have been in, heading to a meeting I really needed, to hand over my feelings of disappointment, sadness and fear to a God who always comes through for me, led me across the path of a man I wanted to know and I had finally met. On the eve of anniversaries that beguiled and bewildered me.
Manifest. The Law of Attraction. Surrender. “It’s all the same thing really.” And once again, the “coincidences” keep coming and I keep going. Grateful for another day.