It’s a clear, beautiful Fall Friday afternoon and though the clouds have been holding on to the sky for much of the day so far, they are not, as they often do in Spring or Winter, opening up. Reality. Not a word or a truth I have ever completely embraced or practiced in my life, however in 2014, from the moment I came to in a (surprise!) a hospital room, it has been at the forefront of my day. Today. And Today. And Today. You understand, right?
Or maybe you do not understand. It took me so much living of my actual life to ever sense, embrace and calmly hold the appreciation I now have for the day-to-day reality I live in. Things change, often BAM quicker than one can have an actual realization of WTF is going on. That’s how life is. Unless you decide you’re done and take it upon yourself to end this life. NOW. Why does anyone ever decide to breakdown and give up this life each of us has been given? If you are alive in a war-torn city or country, or riddled with poverty, disease…both? Maybe. Worse, if you are just with yourself, single, lonely, wishing for someone to be with, even if for just a moment? Then your reasoning to check out is much more understood.
But what if you “have everything?” Health, wealth, children, wife or wives, popularity, success, even an Oscar? THAT’S A LOT by anyone’s perspective regardless of if you “have nothing” except trouble, terror and torn up tales.
I wrote all of what you’ll read below, recently, on a day when I was wondering and worrying and wishing things were different. I was pissed. Way unhappy with how things were or are. “Why me?” or worse ” Why NOT me?” I don’t have any clearer answer today for my questions than I did then.
Know what I do have? Another day. Another chance that some of what I longed for will come about. Perhaps not. BUT you and I will get to SEE WHAT does happen.
Robin Williams, a man with what most people will agree is, or was rather, blessed beyond believability, sliced his wrist and then hung himself Monday. 4 days ago he decided “NO MORE” and he left. He left all of us with…..questions. Too many “Why?” and not enough “Why Not Laugh?” It fucking sucks and is sad and unanswerable. But he’s gone. I’m not and neither are you. So, now what? To be continued, for real.
This is the 2nd note to myself I’m writing. Have no idea what happened to the other one. I had a huge realization as I watched a brand new Kia drive by the store front window where I work. My jealous, envious mindset started screaming “Why don’t I have one!!”
“OH YEAH because I don’t have the money to get one because I need to have money saved for a purchase that size. Because I don’t have a career. In fact I have FAILED at everything I attempted: relationships, boyfriends, jobs, career, art, even AA. Shit I wrote this out a few minutes before now and it “disappeared” just as I was going to send myself a copy ’cause my very own thoughts are too revealing for even myself.!” GRRRRRRRRR.
And the biggest thing I came to understand about myself, today at least, is it wouldn’t have mattered if I did have the car, driving on the way home from a job that matters, that I enjoy. Nope because I’d still be so envious, jealous and wanting things I can’t afford or create myself. No man. No art. No acting. No friends. Just my 3 cats to go home to and 2 of them are older and 1 of those 2 is not really being herself lately. She’s going to pass away, they all are. I AM. Prayer and Faith in that which I believe in but do not ever see is all I have. No brothers or father anymore. Just myself and tears welling up to such a depth that I am miserable with this life that I have “made it” in. Now what? There’s no escaping that which really is today no matter what I drink, smoke do or don’t do. The end.
Except it isn’t the end. Almost 25 years ago when I tested HIV positive I had an ocean of thoughts, fears and sadness. I figured they who had told me and the people whose articles I had read about HIV knew way more than I did about my diagnosis and what was getting ready to happen to me. I believed everything I had read, heard, saw on TV or watched happen with other Positive men and I was scared. I was only 25 and had lived a lot of life, some of it on MTV in Manhattan when I lived there and felt I was on the edge of cracking open the box filled with, tada, my future. Future love, companions, money, direction, and fame of some sort.
Why I am still acting like that 25-year-old hoper, wisher, believer in “the best, after lessons, natch” today?
I honestly don’t know.
What. Am. I. Here. For? What can I be? Who… or better yet Why??? But the bottom line is I am still wandering around waiting on Him, Me, You….someone to show me, tell me, or ugh…give me my destiny, destination, my reason for making it through this drug addiction, alcoholism, 2 two-month long hospital stays where my death wasn’t an if but a when and more jobs than I can even remember!
going to live to see my reality, my actual downfall, in all its glory. Plastered across everywhere including all the social media spots ever invented. SEE?? HE WAS ALWAYS A DISGUSTING FAILURE AND NOW HE’S ON THE STREET, WITH NOTHING AND NO ONE. PATHETIC.
I came to Portland, Oregon because I visited here 1 week in September of 2013 after writing a scathing post regarding my desperation and hatred on my “life” as it was or seemed to be that very day.
The night I left The Eagle in Houston after wearing a leather harness and tight jeans, ready to dance and flirt and go home with some big, hip man and fuck like I HAD made it. Only instead to be ignored, completely, by the men I knew and worse, by the new one’s I did not know. Months of working out, staying sober, being as peaceful and appreciative as was possible, prayerfully giving my fear and disappointment to God knowing He had a plan, or else why keep me alive through ALL this just to drop me tonight when I looked, felt, was happy. Understood. Needed.
And I got nothing.
My visit to Portland, staying with my dear friend, Tony, who I had used and mistreated and underappreciated, but who I had become friends with again. Living in Portland with his very kind, very handsome husband, I was invited to come see what Tony had been telling me for quite some time was a beautiful, welcoming, fun and free city in the Northwest. So I bought a ticket and came. And from the moment I first saw the downtown skyline against the background of hills and river, later catching Mount Hood gleaming in the distance with PDX in its shadows, I knew I had found it. THE city I had been getting my shit together to not just visit but MOVE to. I enjoyed an amazing week of job interviews, restaurants, mountains, waterfalls, and more “just gay” guys and gals than I had ever seen including one guy, on his birthday, that I spent the night with. Success! I’m coming ASAP!
Except after I moved here I quickly had those rose-colored glasses removed from my eyes and the day-to-day city of Portland was BOOM, here. And there I was, more disappointed and unsure now of WTF AM I GOING TO DO than ever.
I don’t know. Jobs are here, I am becoming acquainted with them and with where I want to live, work, play, all of it. It’s right there. And yet I remain here. WTF is right. The “W” can stand for “What,” “Who,” “Where” or “Why” and I can only honestly answer I. Don’t. Know. The end. Again.