Summertime and there is not a drop in the sky or upon the ground here in Portland. It’s Summer after all and I suppose it matters not where you live, visit or awaken, clarity is the name, or rather a name of the weather game. Four seasons is not what I have truly become used to after 30 + years in the city of Houston.
But I no longer live in Houston, at least for now, but I’ll refrain from hoping, praying, guessing, pleading about where I will or shall be in the future. Today, Friday July 11, I am in the beautiful Northwest of these United States. It is exactly where I hoped, prayed, plead and guessed I would be beginning in August of 2013. Be careful what you wish, hope, pray, etc….for, as they say because it often rolls out as you want. Big lesson I’ve been gifted with since my arrival in the first week of March 2014? I’m human.
I’m impatient, judgemental, self-centered, jealous and I only actually learn anything as I look back upon it, never AS it is happening. Grateful I’ve come to understand that obvious piece of reality that I have no doubt most people learn as a child, teenager, young adult or actual adult.-“Better late than never!” #truth
I’m very happy that I can sit here today and thoughtfully compose this entry for “Come Undone” a title I came up with nearly 4 years ago and one I love even more today. Walk through your life long enough and when you reflect back on each experience, experiment, exchange or emergency I suppose clarity is not only a gift but a gratitude seed. If you’re eased or sober or hopefully both as I have been.
I’m not complaining though it may seem like I am. I AM happy, filled with SO much within my vision and day to day….days, that I’m pretty sure the epiphanies I have/had/am having are moments that cause most people to say “Well D’UH!”
I dunno. Maybe I have never fully recovered from the accident that I was a part of back in November of 2013. I was unconscious for 6 weeks. Not actually unaware but if you ask me about December 2013 I’d be lying if I told you one moment from that month. Oh I had preplanned a LOT, specifically moving the fuck out of Houston, out of all the shadows and graves of the people, places and things I had created, mostly when I was high on drugs or wasted on alcohol, but having made it “through” all of my own creations,
I WAS READY to recreate my life as I wanted it to be. As I wanted myself to be. As I wanted my boyfriend and my friends to be. All while giving from myself the pages and pages of “hard lessons of life” I did indeed go through, walk through….or maybe flee from is the best way to say it. It was done and so was I so time to move and share and regrow.
Haha, well if you have ever paid attention to the fields of fresh fruits in the lands around you you’ll know they are usually filled with fresh manure, shut actually, at least in the beginning to assure that the planted seeds will prosper and flower fully with blooms of every size, color and shape possible.
Basically the way tools are and the way it is, or at very least, smells, are 2 very different things. Which would you prefer? Bet I know.
Upon my actual awakening I figured something out. It’s written how exactly as I shared it with my friends on Facebook. Thought my WordPress friends deserved the same honest gift since you have stayed and read with me for quite some time. I THANK and APPRECIATE each of you. Overdue I know but better late than never. No, never is never the right time. But today, all that I actually have, is.
MAY 24 2014, near Portland, OR.
I’ve had an epiphany. I have been a TERRIBLE friend and man for a long time, especially the last 3 years; One who instantly judges and defines people because of my own deep-seeded fears.
By defining you before really “knowing” or accepting you (as you truly are) I thought I was saving myself of a lot of trouble and eventual heartache. “Well fuck them, they don’t really like me anyway,” “Ugh. He’s so crappy, good thing I never became my real self on front him.” You get the idea, right?
I did not. Instead of saving trouble & heartache I CAUSED IT. I pushed all of you and so many more AWAY thinking I was in the right. I was so VERY wrong. And it only took me 2000 miles or more from y’all to finally see myself.
I AM TRULY SORRY. I ask for your forgiveness and hope that I can change all the wreckage from “then” and stop it from happening now. —feelingweak.
I had a “Viewmaster” toy while growing up. I loved popping a round set of photos into it and click, click, clicking from one side of the world to another, without ever having to go anywhere except my imagination. SEEING and BEING aren’t just spelled differently, they ARE different. So what are you?
Seeing isn’t being, doing IS.