What do you believe is “deserved?” By you, to you, for you…or for others that you see or hear or more likely, that you know?
For years I was certain of what I deserved, what you deserved, what everyone I knew deserved because I’m a man with precise attention, time and opinions on everything. I had watched the world play out in front of me, WITH me and I was good with it all. I really believed that I was “good with my life” and lived accordingly.
Then I began receiving what I REAPED… from my actual actions.
Quickly (it seemed) I became single in the “best” years of my life and then lost my career, my friends, family and finally my mental and physical health.
If you’ve read here before you know this story (if not peruse the previous posts) that I not only recovered but I grew. As a man, as a friend, as a brother and son.
It lead me to what I mention below: Portland, Oregon in September 2013. All the trouble and disappointment I had been through was wiped away (I thought) and I suddenly had a new goal and purpose: leaving Houston and remaking my life in PDX but this time I would be consciously sober, sane and selfless.
I swear I thought all I’m writing about was the truth.
There are actual truths in this post but as I learned days ago, God did (does) have a plan with and for me but that actual plan is wide open and full of so much reality that I would not have come to Portland had I known what was going to happen. I’m glad I did. I’d never have listened otherwise.
I got, am getting what I ACTUALLY DESERVE. Lesson after lesson of how it really is in my life. What I “wanted.” I’m not mad or feeling mistreated at all. I’m grateful God loves me enough to tell me…SHOW me the truth. I deserve it.
This is a story about what I thought was going to be love with a man, THE man I believed was meant for me for real. In a way he was “meant for me” but for reasons I never even knew I had or needed. But I did and hopefully you will learn your own truths and reasons by reading this.
-ACTUAL EMAILS BELOW WITH “THE” MAN AND MYSELF WITH EDITS FOR HIS PRIVACY-
On Jun 27, 2014, at 11:06 PM, Johnny Hooks wrote:
I haven’t had the awesome time with you that I have thought about (often) since I first handed you the “You’re the Fucking Man” card in March.
When I first saw you I had only recently moved to Portland from Houston. I came to this city last September after my longtime friend, Tony, invited me here after I blew up (via Facebook) on my experiences (or lack of them) in Houston in 2013.
I had been taking care of myself, especially my body, and I was proud of what I had physically achieved for the first time in several years; only to be completely ignored night after night that I went out in town and while dancing.
For the first time ever I wore one a leather harness to The Eagle in HTX when I went out dancing. I’m a great dancer, have been for a long time and it is one way that I release the stress of life itself, by hitting the dance floor for literally hours at a time, usually only stopping at night’s end or just to grab a water or 10 or tear off a soaking wet shirt. Really.
But on that particular night I was FURIOUS. I had worked so hard on my look for months, expecting to be sought after by some of the “cool” guys I saw every week.
Expectations are THE way to set oneself up for disappointment, I have learned, and I have (had) them about almost everything: my art, photography, success in work, and, yep, guys. Certainly guys I liked, admired or had crushes on…usually all 3 with one guy.
Long story but Tony invited me to visit Portland, I accepted and came in that month and fell SO into this new city I had heard of but had never been to.
I was here a week for perfect, warm yet coolish days and nights (with NO humidity!); a live show at Doug Fir with 2 new girlfriends; then seeing a band I loved who made no Houston visits, “HEM” at the Aladdin Theater; dinners and coffees all over; I even went out to a queer club here by myself and met a group of nice, talkative gay guys, one celebrating his birthday and was went to Silverado with him and his buddy.
I also went home with him alone and stayed till 9 am having a sweet but dirty and “fucking” fun time, no puns intended.
I knew immediately this was where I needed to be, to live, to recreate my life, here in this beautiful, cool, hip and friendly town. It was perfect and I was becoming friends with people at the Alano Club here just like I had at Lambda in Houston. Yay!
There’s more to my journey here: being run over on my scooter in HTX weeks before I was leaving and the 2 month hospital stay, my job changes, and an unending determinstion to “GO” there (here) no matter what.
But I hope to talk to you in person about this. At dinner. And after, when we are walking home. Before bed when we are both naked and all over each other, as if we are hungry for each other like never before. The “first” time one more time, ya know?
I want to be with you. Inside each other, with my tongue, with my hands, with my cock. And vice versa. And as mentioned I have been thinking about this happening with us for 3 months. More.
BUT. I have no idea what I am doing wrong. I kept thinking I was imagining how I was misreading you. On the way home from seeing you so many times I was floating!
I just knew (or thought) you were an answer to a long standing prayer I had about meeting “the guy” and us being together, once again in my life. I kept from telling you this much detail because I was afraid I would say too much or upset you…in one way or another.
I decided I was wrong, that I pretended to think you really were as attracted to me as I was (AM) to you. That after moving here I realized first hand that everything that had happened with (to) me in September 2013 had been coincidences that I took as fate or “meant to be” moments.
And then realizing I was wrong about you too? It was the last straw I felt I had left only to have it cracked in two while I held it.
So XXXX. I have read your Tumbr and seen your full name and read a few of your own thoughts about stuff…about life.
You’ve now read mine and I have more to talk with you about. Over coffee. Or with my hands on your beautiful face or chest…or both.
So XXXX, interested now? I’m a big boy. I wont break. Just tell me your truth like I’ve told you mine. We’ll at least have that and no one will crack it into pieces while we hold it.
Another message Galaxy Noted!
XXXXX Edwards wrote:
Thanks for writing me you dancing machine. I also LOVE to dance haha
Well if you have been on my Tumblr, you’d know that I have a boyfriend.
I know I’m an amazing guy, and it’s because momma raised me right lol.
I’m one of the few loyal men there are.
That being said, I can tell you’re a swell guy, and I’m sure your brain is super complex and interesting.
All I can offer you is friendship. Which is something I find will be more valuable than a trial and error relationship. I’ve been with the guy I’m seeing for about a year, not including a month separation. I live with him in a house with a few other gay dudes. We’re moving into our very own place next week. I start beauty school in September and when I’m done with that, I plan on getting my career going and proposing to this man.
I’m a young 21 year old man who has aspirations for a bright future. I’m polite, kind, friendly, respectful and down to earth.
I say put the romance novel down and grab a beer. I’m just a regular guy who you could be good friends with.
Hope to hear from ya
Ps: thanks for the photos, someone here is gonna love the hell out of ya.
Sent from my iPhone
On Jun 28, 2014, at 5:47 PM, Johnny Hooks wrote:
Glad the truths were told. Congrats on the partner, he’s a lucky man.
Appreciate you lending your hand for friendship too, but I know I can’t.
My only goal now is departure and while it will take patience and God’s blessings, I am unafraid.
From: “XXXXXX Edwards”
Date: Jun 28, 2014 6:11 PM
Subject: Re: Coffee…” is delicious.
To: “Johnny Hooks”
What happens next? July is hours away and my life recreation begins. Again.