1.a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.“reality had not lived up to expectations”I saw a feather in the sidewalk today. Haha, funny but all day yesterday I felt crappy. Worse than crappy, shitty is more like it. The constant feeling of disconnection….with people, with purpose, with happiness. I’ve been living here in Portland for about 6 weeks and I continue hearing that it’s a “blink of an eye, longer if you’re sober buddy.” I know my friends here, especially the ones who have also moved here recently, know that better than I do but a WAVE of loneliness has fallen on top of me and left me getting to the point of wishes. Of the move itself, of words I’ve said to some people and not said to others, of anger towards former friends, feeling furious that they seem to have their lives all set and going as they want, at least looking on them from the outside is how I see it. Of regrets of a lot of things I’ve done and so many that I have not. Blah, blah, blah. I’m so lucky in this life: home in Portland, jobs I like a lot, plenty to eat and money to see concerts, drives to the beach kinda nearby and sobriety. Through all the shit that has happened with me, I stay sober. Life changes in a moment and if I keep my faith and belief in God and His plan for me, this “everything sucks” will surely change too, right?
I’ve seen a LOT of guys I think are just “everything” on a daily basis, for the most part by themselves, walking around certainly on the way to some place “just right,” going to meet their best buddy, girlfriend, or, at least in my mind, boyfriend. Whoever they are heading to, the person or persons will sure enough welcome him with laughter, handshakes or even better, a full hug and then the thing I miss most, a warm kiss. Lip to lip. It has been so long I barely remember what that feels like, except when it stays on my mind, which is every time see one of these guys on their way to another him or hims, waiting just for one of them.
“Hey, I’ve missed you man, you look great! How’s your day going so far?” It’s what they all say. I do remember that missing piece. Except now no one says it to me. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck….isn’t it time for bed yet?
I’ve met some cool people, had lunch and taken walks, done the texting or even better yet, gotten a call! Yep, it CAN happen, does happen, but “poor, poor me” I gotta get home, my cats have gotta be hungry and they are the best sweeties to live with and they love me back. A lot.
But, my 3 four-legged lil’ ones are busy on a daily basis and sometime they are sleeping and as much as talk with them they rarely talk back. A “meow” here, and snuggle there, but as night falls and as I read upon my bed, whatever I’m reading today: “AA Big Book,” Illusions,” “Simply Halston,” “Daily Reflections, “Drop the Rock,” “Here We Are Now,” “Last Night at the Viper Room” or “The Great Gatsby?”
They are all filled with the stories of people, actors, poets, singers and barons all going through life and making it, well most of then make it. Kurt Cobain and River Phoenix didn’t make it through until today but they were each full of so much life and loved so much, when I look and read about then today THEY seem to have made it, even though they left us. Wherever they went, I wish I was there. At least people would miss me like I miss the ones I know, knew and those I see every day.
My dad died yesterday. He’s been ill for a while and his death is not something I was planning on for April 15 but I did have an expectation of it. As per usual, expectations don’t quit. Haven’t seen him in several years, planned on going to Savannah to see and be with him soon, but, once again, I. Have. No. Control.
I have today, another day sober, another day seeing children and sometimes their Moms on the bus, on the train or walks together down the lane in front of my home. Going somewhere where someone is waiting on them to hug them each close, squeeze them tightly and laugh with them all.
I have today. I used to have a dad. Maybe he’s getting a hug from my brother Patrick who left this world 20 years ago. Somewhere, I suppose they ARE waiting on me. My neck needs a hug and my lips miss being kissed.
And I miss you, Dad,
plural noun: expectations