It has come to my attention that I am not
17, 27, 37 anymore. Yet, I still have the Visions that I constructed so many years ago by escaping into films, books, music videos, musicals and… when I really think about it, porn.
1vi·sion noun \ˈvi-zhən\
Definition of VISION
a : something seen in a dream, trance, or ecstasy; especially : a supernatural appearance that conveys a revelation
b : a thought, concept, or object formed by the imagination
c : a manifestation to the senses of something immaterial <look, not at visions, but at realities — Edith Wharton> (thanks Edith, love Johnny)
a : the act or power of imagination
b (1) : mode of seeing or conceiving (2) : unusual discernment or foresight <a person of vision>
c : direct mystical awareness of the supernatural usually in visible form
a : the act or power of seeing : sight
b : the special sense by which the qualities of an object (as color, luminosity, shape, and size) constituting its appearance are perceived through a process in which light rays entering the eye are transformed by the retina into electrical signals that are transmitted to the brain via the optic nerve
a : something seen
b : a lovely or charming sight
My ego is making a last stand, defying me, holding on, whispering, screaming, clawing at the back of my eyes. Telling me lies. Alas, I know that there is no vision at all. It is Delusion.
de·lu·sion noun \di-ˈlü-zhən, dē-\
Definition of DELUSION
: the act of deluding : the state of being deluded
a : something that is falsely or delusively believed or propagated
b : a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary; also : the abnormal state marked by such beliefs.
So, I am trying to be different. To act my way into new thinking, rather than think my way into new action. I am asking for help from the people I trust, I am doing nothing that I “think” I should. Someone told me they are pretty sure God‘s will is the opposite of the easiest way out I can come up with to resolve a problem. I am editing. Even this post is just a quick emotional bath.
So…I’m off to bed to dream like “Sleeping Beauty.” I’m sleepy and grumpy and about half the other seven dwarfs from “Snow White.” Except the movie in my head isn’t animated by Disney. It’s animated by Neil Gaiman.