It’s fascinating to me that the way I perceive the the World is based on events that happened to me before I had memories, before I began to remember. That just because I believe something does not mean that is how it ACTUALLY is. I sincerely am surprised by my own self-learned tunnel vision. I met a man recently..a young man that is creative, smart, funny, handsome and charming. He holds his own when we are together alone and amongst his world and mine and I have spent time just talking with him, lying beside him and just being. Yet together. But the very way I have “always” thought I felt when I had fallen for a man, is not present here. I do not hear songs that burn his face in my eyes, I do not see he and I when I watch young lovers on the screen. He does not, to coin or borrow a phrase, “complete me.”
Indeed I have not FALLEN for him at all. I am comfortable with our independence our own lives and interests and orbits. But, in my head, my Ego is roaring. Whispering to me that this is not what love is, that this calm, assured, drama-free, comfortable coexistence, this beginning to know one another… is a lie. And that I KNOW is the real lie, but it doesn’t feel that way. It’s sad to me that serenity and trust and acceptance are not the natural state when it comes to my beliefs about myself, another and “love.” I guess I do not really know what love really is. The love I recognize is fiery and jealous and fear-based. It is
rotted rooted in WANT and DESIRE, not trust and affection.
When I told my therapist about him, she encouraged me with this. She said that I have a chance to learn again, to be different, to know different, to perhaps love different with this man. With “Agape“ love. Having heard the word before but not knowing it’s actual meaning, I found this definition in Wiki: Agape has been expounded on by many Christian writers in a specifically Christian context. C. S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, used agape to describe what he believed was the highest level of love known to humanity—a selfless love, a love that was passionately committed to the well-being of the other. In his book, The Pilgrimage, author Paulo Coelho defines it as “the love that consumes,” i.e., the highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection.
In an interesting turn, I gave this man a potted, white Orchid and on the card I wrote this: “White Orchids symbolize pure affection….I think you’re cute.“ This was before I knew what Agape meant. And he liked the note and he told me so. And I am happy, despite my own mind’s best attempts otherwise. Despite the fact that tears brim in the back of my eyes, I will not shed them. This is not a movie.
Overheard recently: “Stupid Universe…It always gives you just what you want, at the most inconvenient time, when you least expect it.”
I like that too. And I like this man.