i always say that to all my prey, i just like the sound of it
oh i think i got a live one here
Music has always been a passion, a touchstone, a milemarker in my life; in my memories. But since I started down the journey that is recovery, it has come to mean so much more. thoughts and messages from God, right there on my speakers and in my ears…. always right when I need it. SO grateful for my Rdio account and the hundreds of new artists I have been introduced too. Even not so new ones like theses two. This week, I’m on a P!nk streak, especially this song, “Try” and The Great Escape” from her new album; with touches of this man thrown in: Jason Aldean. Wow…so awesome and easy on the eyes, too? Sign me up! Too many great Aldean lyrics to mention but this song is getting me through this night.
You see, this week, I realized the guy I like, that I have been dating is just not looking for the same thing I am. I also realized I was doing it again, wishing my feelings about him, what I want from a man, onto the relationship. I want romance and passion for and with BOTH of us, in and out of the bedroom, but he doesn’t. At least not with me, not right now. I understand, totally. The guy is 27 and when I was 27 I was exactly the same way. Live for tomorrow, have fun now, no commitment, just sex and party and art and fun. Cool, right?
The upside is I am not bitter, I realized this early on and I also know now I am CHANGING because I can catch myself in old behavior. I also realized I really am growing up right in front of my own eyes. I got stuck somewhere in my past, but through the work I am doing with my new therapist and my 12 step program…things are getting better. I AM getting better. One day at a time, one day at a fucking time, and that is enough today. “I’ll see you when I see, we’ll laugh about the old days, catch up on the news….and I hope it’s some day soon.” I really do.
It has come to my attention, in the most organic and simple way, that I am now dating someone.
He’s not my boyfriend, I am not in love with him, he’s not “the one for me.” I like him, a lot actually, he is funny and smart and has an amazing artists’ eye and he makes funny noises like a sheep sometimes and plays pool well and has beautiful blue eyes. But, seemingly out of nowehere, I am seeing him. We spend time together and it’s nice.
And I know that my prayers of gratitude are revealed to me, that God has taken that obsession to NEED right away…away Not 100%, not yet, but my calm, matter-of-fact acceptance of this, not my 0-75 in one week manner of thinking, is no more. The last man I cared for, I helped run off because it was, I WAS, too much, too soon, too much “me” not enough Him.
I’m glad this is not that, and I am not what, I was… because he is nice and I like hanging out with him, spending nights and time together. And that’s such progress, I can’t even begin to tell you how much.
And I, “me” you see, I know was not capable of such change, not alone. So I post tonight, watching the rain outside on my window, in gratitude.
Nicely done, My Lord, very nice.
To be continued….
It’s fascinating to me that the way I perceive the the World is based on events that happened to me before I had memories, before I began to remember. That just because I believe something does not mean that is how it ACTUALLY is. I sincerely am surprised by my own self-learned tunnel vision. I met a man recently..a young man that is creative, smart, funny, handsome and charming. He holds his own when we are together alone and amongst his world and mine and I have spent time just talking with him, lying beside him and just being. Yet together. But the very way I have “always” thought I felt when I had fallen for a man, is not present here. I do not hear songs that burn his face in my eyes, I do not see he and I when I watch young lovers on the screen. He does not, to coin or borrow a phrase, “complete me.”
Indeed I have not FALLEN for him at all. I am comfortable with our independence our own lives and interests and orbits. But, in my head, my Ego is roaring. Whispering to me that this is not what love is, that this calm, assured, drama-free, comfortable coexistence, this beginning to know one another… is a lie. And that I KNOW is the real lie, but it doesn’t feel that way. It’s sad to me that serenity and trust and acceptance are not the natural state when it comes to my beliefs about myself, another and “love.” I guess I do not really know what love really is. The love I recognize is fiery and jealous and fear-based. It is
rotted rooted in WANT and DESIRE, not trust and affection.
When I told my therapist about him, she encouraged me with this. She said that I have a chance to learn again, to be different, to know different, to perhaps love different with this man. With “Agape“ love. Having heard the word before but not knowing it’s actual meaning, I found this definition in Wiki: Agape has been expounded on by many Christian writers in a specifically Christian context. C. S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, used agape to describe what he believed was the highest level of love known to humanity—a selfless love, a love that was passionately committed to the well-being of the other. In his book, The Pilgrimage, author Paulo Coelho defines it as “the love that consumes,” i.e., the highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection.
In an interesting turn, I gave this man a potted, white Orchid and on the card I wrote this: “White Orchids symbolize pure affection….I think you’re cute.“ This was before I knew what Agape meant. And he liked the note and he told me so. And I am happy, despite my own mind’s best attempts otherwise. Despite the fact that tears brim in the back of my eyes, I will not shed them. This is not a movie.
Overheard recently: “Stupid Universe…It always gives you just what you want, at the most inconvenient time, when you least expect it.”
I like that too. And I like this man.
I have always heard that “Yoga is my therapy” or “shopping is my therapy” or “working out is my therapy…” Well, having embarked upon the journey that seeing a therapist is, for the first time in my life (much to the dismay of those who know me) I can tell you this. Therapy is not shopping.
Therapy is a cutting away of the weeds that block my path. Yes, there are some flowers and other nice plants that need pruning and trimming so that they can flower and grow in the light of the Sun, or in my case, the Spirit. But this is clear to me now, going to be hard work, requiring sweat and much toiling in ground that has not been tended in a long time, if ever.
But in the end, Oh, yes, what a garden I will have. With clear cut pathways and little places to stop and admire the blooms and birds and…well, you see where I am going with this. And it will be a good place, not perfect and always needing maintenance to keep it in order. But it’s worth it. And most, MOST importantly, I am worthy and worth it.