It’s an early June sunny and snappy hot day in downtown Houston.
I’m sitting in the cafe at an artsy Film House, where I used to work.
I said I’d never return here. I thought at that time, the job was many things: redemption, a fresh start, and what I was supposed to do with my self…and a return to my “rightful” place. ‘Hi, I’m Johnny and I’m an egoist…er…alcoholic.’ I’ve learned they are actually one in the same.
Thankfully, my HP had other plans for me.
It was a tough blow to my ego, getting fired, again. Especially since I gave it my sober all and was doing my best. That does not negate my HP’s plan, though. And that was the biggest lesson I learned with this situation. He cares about me but about MY plans and schemes? Not so much. Dreams? That’s a different story.
Possibilities. When I was in control of my life (I thought I was, anyway) the possible futures I laid before myself seemed, at one point, like many. But I was limited in my vision, as people are by nature. In the end the only real possibility was a long slow slide into death; and from where I was, it was a future not too far from reality.
So here I sit. Waiting to see a movie. Waiting on a friend, a man I literally have wanted to do exactly what I’m doing with him for over 10 years. First date? Maybe. Maybe last date. Maybe not a date at all.
But that’s what’s incredible. I don’t know what will happen next. And I am not afraid or worried. Just….curious. And a little excited.
As I approach 1 full year of complete sobriety next Saturday, June 9, that I sit here, not bitter, waiting to see what happens next, trusting it will “be ok in the end and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” (Best Exotic Marigold Hotel).
I am grateful. For possibilities. They are probables now every day, not just when I have the courage to believe. Even when I don’t. Because this was never my plan in the first place.