And then the Moon, harbinger of my life for so long, my only company on those black nights without God‘s light. Without Hope.
Looked down onto my new life and he was incensed. “You’ll never keep that life and those loves you’ve found” he snickered. Crocodile teared.
But I knew differently. I knew a new Truth.
Lights had come into my Recovered life. And they were Good. And they were Real. And I was Reborn anew. Free from Self. Despite myself. Off the shelf.
For over nearly two years I have been on journey of selfless discovery, personal renaissance and a wiping clean of my life slate. Change in total. Today I embark on a roadtrip to enhance that journey. I hope to share my thoughts as I head to RoundUp Dallas 2012. All this on the heels of a complete reorganization of my day to life, in many ways, leading up to my first year of full sobriety on June 9. So, today’s post, and I apologize they have been fewer as of late, but Change is difficult, though inevitable and sought, to navigate.
I will try to be more present here at theJohnnyspot. Usually there is so much going on to blog about that I am overwhelmed with where to begin. Clarity, clearly, is an ongoing process. So, I say with all due Gratitude and appreciation, thank you for following, commenting and especially reading. “More will be” revealed as it is said and I certainly have more to say. Much more! See you on the road of this journey called life. Namaste.
No lightning strike. No thunderclap. No white light. Just a smile. A look. A stolen kiss. A laugh. A sentence.
“If you’d wait for me…”
I can feel it and you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t feel it too.
I’ll just start with this. My Sponsor has me working on Desire (big “D”). Did you know that the verb “to want” means both to DESIRE something and to LACK something? “I want one of these…” and “I want of nothing in my life, except….”
I’m doing a repeated exercise where I focus on the feelings I have when I Desire. Instead of the object of Desire, I concentrate on the feeling it gives me, recognizing God in the moment(s) and acknowledging that I am seeking from the outside a feeling, that I already possess. Without Within. Want one, want to.
I want to… to live in the freedom of wanting of nothing and especially, no one. If you read this blog, you know I have trouble with this. Daily. I surrendered recently. Again. I know now “I” have no power in this fight. “I” do NOT “Got this.” GOD does.
I use the phrase “No worries” entirely too much. It’s an outright lie when it spills from my lips. Taste the rainbow as it twirls on my tongue. I know I want to. And I want one, too.
If one more guy tells me I am different, a free spirit or not what he expected (which I now know means “I don’t understand you,” there is going to be bloodshed. And not my own. That is fucking all.